Case Claus

Disclaimer: This article is written purely in jest, and any younger people that are reading behind your shoulder that would be offended by my insinuations of a "different" view of Santa Claus are advised not to read on. But if perchance you have no exact leanings on the subject of "Old Saint Nick" this article, that was cooked up in throes of my feverish cold symptoms, may merit a chuckle or two (if even that). Read on at your own risk.


Case # 12/25
People-of-the-world
vs
Santa Claus(AKA)Papa Noel(AKA)Joulupukki(AKA)Weihnnachtsmann(AKA)Noel Babba(AKA)Babbo Natale(and-other-assorted-names-by-which-the-defendant goes-by)

Scene: A large courtroom

a young lawyer comes to the front of the crowd and begins to speak.

  "Your Honor! Distinguished members of the jury! I come before you today to plead after a perennial crime that has been committed year after year. And year after year the perpetrator walks away with his victims in a blissful state of ignorance about his nefarious doings. That is correct your honor; I ask that you forever halt the illegal,harmful, and otherwise dangerous activities of THE Kris Kringle!
  No vandal in history has caused so much havoc for so many over the years. Take alone the fact that his very presence as an unauthorized flying object crossing over state lines and country borders with impunity is an offense to every air-traffic law that we hold! But even if we discount the legalities of his locomotion, (which includes numerous counts of inhumane treatment to his Reindeer no doubt!) we are still left to consider the damage done to the average homeowner, citizen, and taxpayer.
  Santa Claus has proven time and again that he respects no law, and pays heed to none of our freedoms! Every Christmas night he is guilty of breaking and entering, and of trespassing on private property. It is shameful that our race has produced a creature that laughs happily as he steals cookies and milk out of the mouths of sleeping babes. It is the truth that as the endless ages of villainy have continued that Mr Claus has grown complacent and set in his ways. He even warns us when he is coming through with the incessant jingling of his bells and his monotonous tune of "Santa Claus is Coming to Town". But even these acts reveal his character; the keening of his jingle bells serve only to disturb the peace! "He can see you when your sleeping! He knows when your awake!" Dear people these are the actions of a CIA operative at best, and a stalker at worst. Think of your children! The ultimate irony is that this man has created a stereotype that rotund people are jolly!(always with the candy and sweets!always! HE is a national idol of heart attacks!)
   But my cries are not purely legalities that only restrain the current government. I speak as one who addresses the grievances of mankind! Who has not sent their heart out to the common man as one walks along the road and hears his plaintive cry of, "Woe! Woe! My ceiling leaketh, and the goodwife noticeth the disorderly state of the roof shingling!" Every year untold multitudes suffer the fate of the ruined roof, and there can only be one explanation for this nation wide, nay world wide, plague! Indeed hearers, it is the working of viscous sleigh runners and reindeer's hooves upon a man's shingled roof ! The economic woes of this tragedy are but the tip of the iceberg. The destabilization of our economy is the criminal Claus' ultimate; the flooding of markets with goods slyly disguised in the guise of presents serves to increase his share in the growing consumer market! One may still wonder on the goodwill that may or may not be behind this fearful Claus as he gives supposed presents to children; I can assure you that their is no goodwill in the cold-as-the-north-pole heart with one phrase! Would a man that relies upon incessant slave labor  to create his goods in a inaccessible environment be worthy of any of our praise? How many Elves have suffered under his hand as they toil to grind out immense numbers of products? The very fact that every little boy or girl does not get exactly whats on his or her list is proof of Santa's incessant desire to flood the markets.
  In closing, Gentleman of the jury, when we strip away the clever public relations that Mr Kringle has stealthily crafted about his generous bulk we see that he little more than a man trying to maintain his outer shine of a status symbol, while all the time he is corrupted by the power he has been given!
Please your honor! Do not let this continue! If we do not act now the consequences will not be Pie and Mistletoe, but Santa will be the one with the last "HOHOHO""